Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Cry me a river....

Lately I been going through some weird stage, I've been feeling extremely emotional, thinking a lot and just stressing about the future. Anyone who knows me, Knows that I'm usually extremely laid back, funny and always upbeat. However over the last week or so I've been feeling some kind of way about everything in my life currently, everything that's soon going to occur in the coming weeks or so. The main part of the frustration is lack of support, I realized in my life I'm too giving, when I need people the most they usually turn their back on me or basically wont reciprocate the love that I show to them, as a male I'm supposed to be "heartless" and not let stuff like that get to me. Honestly shit bothers me a lot, I don't have many, if any people I can rely on this lifetime, for the last 3-4 years I've basically been taking care of myself by choice, Honestly because I have a ton of pride so I hate asking for handouts and it's just in my nature to want to get it done by myself, because in the end if I don't do it then who will?

Over the weekend my aunt and I were having a conversation about the baby and of course my mother had to chime in with her 2 cents,negative, of course, it bothered me because its like whatever way you may feel about me, doesn't mean you have to feel that way about your 1 and only grand child ever(I'm an only child), it hurt me more because everybody else around me seems to be excited or at least acted as if they were when I told them. Although her and I don't get along she's the only parent I have, also only mother so her opinion means a lot to me and the fact she came at me like that really hurt me a lot. I've always been one to wear my emotions on my sleeve and not let things get to me, but the conversation hurt so much I had to break down and cry. Over the last 3 years I've lost friends, family been through a lot but this situation right here had me crying, like not balling and nose running crying but just sitting alone crying letting out emotion. I honestly can't remembered the last time I cried but in all Honesty it felt great It was like with each tear emotions were flowing down my cheek and making me feel a lot better.

I can't reembered the last time I cried, but sunday as I sat in my room letting out those emotions I felt as though I was starting fresh, with all those negative feelings and all that nasty energy was released me and I was rejuivanted. I'm still feeling somewhat emotional but not the way I felt last week, I don't know what causing it but It's certainly not a good feeling. one thing I know for sure is that if I ever get to over whelmed with emotion I don't have to be afraid to shed a tear because in actuality it helped a lot.

13 comments:

Miss.Stefanie said...

"whatever way you may feel about me, doesn't mean you have to feel that way about your 1 and only grand child ever"

J.o people will always have something negative ot say...and sadly the mot negative usually comes from our mamas. My mom is the SAME way. I just brush it off. Her mentality may be like this now but when that lil one comes into the world....she will melt!

JOFre$h said...

I hope so stef because right now, she does nothing to uplift my spirits.

Adwoa said...

I think sometimes when you're so independent, you're forced to think about everything and everyone else b4 yourself...everything gets so built up...that one day it hits you and you just have to let loose and just get it all out...


It's unfortunate that your mom is saying hurtful things, but like Stephanie said, once she sees that bundle of joy...she will regret her words/actions!

I'm glad you feel better...sometimes it helps to just cry and be free!

Hope everything works out in the end =)

ShAy~SHaY said...

I agree with Miss Stefanie because my mom was the exact same way when she found out my sister was having a baby. But now that my nephew is here, she's ecstatic and always watchin him and baby sitting and stuff.

Mother's will always have something to say about a situation especially if they feel their child could have done things differently, but in the end they will always be there to support you and give a helping hand.

100K said...

Single mothers often place expectations on their sons that re a bit unfair. I've been through this many times and it's worse for you cuz youre the only child..

i just try to stay out the house as much as possible lmao

but for real, stay up

Sweet.Anger.Angel said...

wow...i can relate to this post in that I TOO HAVE BEEN EXTREMELY EMOTIONAL LATELY LETTING A LOT GET TO ME MORE SO THAN usual.
i've sat by myself and cried numerous times in the past month & unfortunately for me, IT HASN'T HELPED ME LIKE IT HELPED YOU. but im happy that you were able to release that negativity & tension. IT'S A PERFECTLY HEALTHY THING.
as for your mom: i hope she comes around but one thing i realized like you said, you live for YOU (AND NOW THE BABY) so a lot of other things (especially negativity) is IRRELEVANT. i hate to say that cuz its your mom but if she doesn't come around, just like i do with my mom, you have to separate yourself cuz NEGATIVITY SPREADS LIKE THE PLAGUE & IS NOT NEEDED.

Ms_Slim said...

Hey I read your blogs all the time; I just dont comment often.

You said that you wear your emotions on your sleeve and NOT let things get to you. Well to wear emotions/heart on the sleeve directly MEANS to allow things to get to you easier. Your heart/emotions are out in the open instead of boxed behind skin, bone, tissue, and muscle (as a real heart is, obviously lol). To wear it on your sleeve means it isnt 'hidden' or covered and that emotions come to you easily in expression. So...your emotions are either on your sleeve (easy to get to), or you have a chip on your shoulder (a heavy heart-hard to arouse emotionally).

Anyway, just wanted to wish you luck in everything. The day is vastly approaching and I am sure that once your child is here, your mother's disdain for the situation will automatically be lifted because...who can hate a small and innocent child? She'll come around; dont worry....

Take care...

Kofi Bofah said...

It must have taken a lot of courage for you to write this.

We all must learn to stand alone as Men.

Take care of yourself, brother.

Because if you are not taking care of yourself - you will not be good to anybody.

JOFre$h said...

Ms slim...I caught that later but was too lazy to edit. Thanks for the insight It's always good to have a more personal opinion.

Kofi : Kinda did, thanks for the advice as usual man.

lanice said...

I understand wat u sayin..I've been there but u jus have to stay strong...n once u notice that u care for others n they dont do the same for u its time to let them go n worry bout u..survival of the fittest man..but at the same time dont neglect those who r actually there 4 u.. u need the supporters at times

JOY said...

mmmm crying feels sooo good sometimes....fyi: real men cry.

Webb-the-man said...

i cant tell you that her opinion doesnt matter because that is your moms. but you know the mentality that i hae and i believe we share he same. you make the decisions in your life to make yourself better an happy. some things you do are not gonna please everyone and some people no matter what you do they wont be pleased. all you can do is look out for yourself and your new family you are starting. and as far as for crying you are a man if you cant cry

JOFre$h said...

Thanks for the input guys.