Friday, February 27, 2009

I'm a sheep....

I don't know why I made a twitter But I did, I guess the popularity got to me and I wanted the whole world to know what I'm doing every 10 seconds. Jdotofresh So click the link and add me.
This week has been a sucky one but in true fashion, I will have plenty to blog about so keep posted.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Washed Up Comedy

I was shocked to see how many of my Ballerific Associates Don't have access to the Network Station HBO. I know my ballerific blogger friends have access tho because 1) you have a good Internet connection which most broke people don't have 2) you have a computer . If you have these two things you should have HBO. However like I mentioned in an earlier post with The Office, I think my favorite sitcom might have a running mate for the funniest show on Television, that Show is called Eastbound and Down. If you can PLEASE watch that show it pure unadulterated comedy. It's stars "Red" from (Pineapple Express), as Kenny Powers a washed up ex athlete who comes back to his hometown to work as a sub teacher and regain fame.

That song....

You ever have a song no matter the mood, situation, environment or time it automatically makes you start jamming? In my life I passed through a ton of songs, partly due to growing up in an African American household with predominately nothing but woman(Black-Woman seem to love R&B music for some reason), I've heard it all from the stylistics to Whitney Houston on Saturday afternoons while cleaning up. As a male I'm not "Supposed" to like R&B but for some reason I rather hear some skinny dude croon about getting his heart broken than a Want to be poser rap about how much invisible drugs he's sold or how many people he sent to the funeral home.

Since we are now living in digital world, we have a ton of accessible outlets to get music right at the tip of our fingers. So with that a lot of music becomes somewhat disposable because you hear some much that whatever you like must stand out for you to keep going back an forth to it. However I'm not a radio head because I would be damned to listen to the radio to listen to the same 10-12 songs all day, especially living in New York where DJ's get paid the most to play the corniest records all day. So I mostly hit up my blog connects or through word of mouth from friends about the newest stuff out. I was a little disappointed at myself because this summer while at a block party in Brooklyn, I heard a song which I couldn't remember the name of and it sounded so hot, the beat was good, melody was right and the singing was somewhat offbeat but fit just right. So if you've ever been to a party you know the DJ never plays the whole song and if he does play the song you hear the intro for a good 5-6 Min's before they even get into the song, and please don't let the crowd be hype or the DJ himself because he will be screaming and hollering all over the song. So I'm grooving and dancing, drink in my hand of course , enjoying myself then the songs abruptly ends and I hear the dream " I love your girl" So I'm instantly sad, but the feeling drowns fast because my brain alerts me that I like this song as well, so I continue dancing and having a good time.

The next day I forced myself to listen to the radio, because I HAD to find out the name of that song and who sang it. Sure enough big headed funk Master flex Came on Dropping bombs and hollering outlandish foolishness and all I remember was "NY We gone smooth it out, we real big right now with that fantasia record" I was hype because the first clue to my puzzle was solved, I knew who sang the song, now my next mission was to find out the title so I could download, so I cranked the volume up a little louder on the radio and I heard he sing " When I see youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu" So i figured that had to be it, so I ran to lime wire and sure enough that was the title and please believe that song was instantly thrown on every mix CD I made for the car and Instantly became the #1 song on my play list in itunes. I love this song so much and I know it must decrease my manliness because its a girl singing about her feelings about a guy, but what the hell I'm applying it to my situation. So this is that one song for me, Incase you haven't seen the video and were under a rock like me

Monday, February 23, 2009

Man on the Moon....

Ask people who am I? You will generally get two different responses, "J.O that's my dude, mad cool, I F's with him" or " F that N-word". It's very simple I'm a jerk. I'm the coolest person in the world, or at least I think, I don't mean cool like my Nike's are cleaner and my jeans have better stitching than yours, I mean cool like I'm friendly, Personable, easy to talk to, Understanding and can give you a great intellectual perspective. However at the same time I'm also very debatable, non-spontaneous, Sarcastic, and sometimes too witty for my own good. I'm the guy who will ask you why 5 or 6 times just to irritate you and see you get mad, or the person who will slow down my walking speed in a crowded environment just to see the anger. I generally do this because people take life way too serious and usually seem like they have sticks up their butt. I usually feel like I'm sometime to weird for my own good. I usually sleep all day and stay up to the wee hours of the morning, walk out quoting random lyrics and scenes from movies to describe how I feel, I also laugh a lot which can make someone upset. The most important thing I can say is I try to almost never comply to the norm, I never follow fads, I talk with my own lingo, Almost always go against the grain why? Because I always feel like I'm the man on the moon.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The Pursuit of Happiness : Male Edition

If you've been a faithful follower from the beginning, You walked this interesting Blog Journey with me, From the If I were a girl
Heels On , Cuffin , The break up , The Sidepiece , and the post that leads me to this one The pursuit of happiness : Female Edition. I'm not a psychiatrist or a doctor, however I feel like a seasoned veteran in the love game. I've dealt with a few woman in my day and it seems like no woman could ever understand me, Why? Because either I didn't trust her enough to let my guard downs or either I felt her intellect wasn't on my level so I dumbed it down to be with her. Realistically although Most dudes won't agree with me, We are more complicated to understand than woman. As men we deal with a lot on our plates not saying that woman don't, however I feel the curve for being a man is much stronger than for that of a woman.

As a man from an early age you are taught to have the prettiest girl, best car, biggest house, be in the best the shape, be stronger faster,smarter, just greater and better than average. The pursuit of all those perfections, can take a toll on dudes where we even experience mood swings, not to the extent of a woman, however the pressures of being perfect mixed in with a woman nagging and applying pressure to a situation which didn't need more pressure. In life we all want to be HAPPY. What is happiness though? Is it being that Imperfect Perfection society's need you to be , the dude with the biggest Johnson or fattest wallet? I strive to be happy everyday, not with who society's wants me to be, because honestly society doesn't want to see me succeed, they want me to stand on the corner, with my pants down , and become another statistic in an overpopulated Jail System. That's a different topic though for another day, What is the happiness that Woman from a man? I think no woman can answer that because if asked that question, the answers would contradict themselves and be many different answers.

However as a male I'll tell you what we need to be happy and woman can take it from there and run with it and see what they can muster up to apply to their situation and help their relationship ultimately.

WOMAN - No matter How much we Can't stand y'all or vice verse, No man wants to be alone, that's why we take the abuse and arguments that a woman can bring to you. A woman is like an essential to a man liefs without a woman a man would have no purpose, woman are the reason, we maintain our appearance, drives fancy cars, Expensive garments even Watch Mushy movies. If woman weren't around every dude would walk around in old musty sweats and dusty sneakers because there would be no reason to have new clean ones.

MONEY - Money to a man is like a cock swinging contest, the dudes who have the biggest one would prob be at the front of line like judge me, it's almost identical to people with money, ever wonder why you see so much 50 and Jayz on TV?. Money is important to every man because that's the reasons we grind hard everyday at jobs, to earn money to buy nice cars, nice clothes, which ultimately leads right back to a woman.

SPORTS - Sports have been around since Maximus, Juba to present day Lebron and Kobe, So if you feel that you are going to deny a man his chance to watch his sports you either are on the same coke as wine house and Whitney or are in denial like Rick Ross. I would highly suggest you get a Sports for dummies book and get a seat on the couch because August - June are very important months in the Sports Roster.

FRIENDS - A man's homeboys whether good or bad aren't going anywhere so you need to accept that. No matter How much you think James is a dog and that Terrell is up to no good, those are his boys who were there before for you and likely to be there after you leave. I would tell every woman to not judge her man's friends because although you feel a certain way about their activities you are not dating them and if that's your man's friends he's obviously friends with them for a good reason, So trust his judgement.

SPACE - I know you can't live without your boo-boo but everybody needs space. Everyman needs time with his boys or time for himself to gather thoughts or even just take a deep breath, I sure as hell do from time to time. The best thing is to allow someone to miss you, how can anyone miss you if you crowd them and want to be around them every living second, Just like you have those days when you don't want to be bothered we as men feel the same way.

WANTED - No more how manly your man appears to you we all want that time we when we cuddle and tell you all that good mushy stuff you ladies love to hear. Everyman wants to know that his woman wants him, a time where you put your arms around him and kiss his lips softly and let him know that you will always be there for him.

So in the end just like with most things a Man's happiness is directly related to a woman. Yes Sex, Cooking Cleaning, Present ability are all things that make us happy as well but those are the main outlines to the confusion that you woman know as man. Hope this helped and can help jump start your 2009.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

The bait was too tasty....

25 was much too little I decided to continue on with another 25. Maybe 50 will be end who knows I may be up to a 1000 at one point. so anyway on with the festivities.

26. I have weird eatting binges where I may eat one thing all day and be fine and then the next eat 10 medium meals and still not be full.

27. I often have conversations with myself "Yo fresh you wildin B what were you thinking", "I know son I was wilding" I usually does this for a while until I realize how foolish I may look and to other who are seeing me carry a conversation with myself

28. right after I eat I always laydown. I dont know why I do but immediately after I take a bite and drink that last drop of juice I must lay down or the food will not feel right to me.

29. I usually think everyone is lying. I mean the person could be telling the truth but I dont believe anything.

30. I think naps should be incorporated into the constitution like if you don't nap, you don't pass go and you go to jail.

31. I love being alone but I have a fear of being lonely.

32. I like to be lowkey but also crave a lot of attention

33. In highschool I was considering porn as a profession when i saw how much they make for a shoot. "I was like getting paid for sex, hell where do I sign up" my name would've been pipe master fresh

34. I often laugh at people who wear arabs scarfs

35. I'm a lazy neat freak.

36. I hate woman who wear shirts/sweats that say bootylicious, sexy, hottie, bunnie etc

37. woman who shave their eyebrows off to draw them back on, should be knee chopped.

38. I usually sleep in intervals, I wake up at 12:01 sleep to 1:00 check the time go back to sleep for x amount of hrs and repeat process I can never sleep straight through.

39. I often watch porn on cinemax for the comedy factor like WOW people actually enjoy this

40. I think my bladder may be messed up I go quite a few days without doing #2

41. As I walk down the street I pray for a kid to run up on an ask for my autograph

42. I feel like when I go out all eyes are on me, I think I'm a celeb in my mind

43. At work I often dream about shooting a few of my co-workers, Does that make me crazy?

44. I love to read, but find it boring does that make sense even?

45. I buy things that I dont really need just to say I have it

46. I bring my laptop with me to use the bathroom and spend and unhealthy amount of time on the toliet.

47. I burn a lot of energy, I watch tv, listen to music, with the lights on, and window open at the same time

48. If I can't find the remote I will watch whatever is on tv(Gossips girl is actually good money)

49. I will not watch the simpsons, Bart and Lisa are almost as old as me still in elementry school :-/

50. I dream about running away to Island with no phone, Internet and people Just by myself to clear my thoughts and not be disturbed.

I think thats all, or is it?

To Zion...

I don't know what exactly is it but I've never been more excited to receive a gift like this, it's almost like everyday is December 24th. I can't explain the feeling of that seeing that sonogram, Before it was just rubbing monks belly and wondering what the heck was in there and what it looks like. I know the picture doesn't reveal much but it seems like I can already smell the scent, or see the little toes and fingers. For some reason I keep looking at that the picture hoping for it to move or at least speak to me. I'm not even a father yet but I can honestly say there's no feeling like this, like just a few months ago I was worrying about what outfit I would buy or How nice 32' rims would look but now this blessing has put me into a whole new mind state. Now its not anymore I's in my life instead I shall now embrace the word WE.

Now onto why the name of the post is Zion. In 1998 a one Ms. Lauryn Hill released the critically acclaimed "Miseducation of Lauryn Hill"

Well in a synopsis Lauryn is talking about how everyone feels its a bad idea for her and how she isn't ready, should be a little wiser about the decision and should continue her career and place children making on hold. While not exactly directed to my situation definitely a song I can relate too, although mostly everyone has been very excited and super supportive, certain family members have recieved the news with the excitement and joy one should have. I know a lot of them feel like oh he's young , not settled, etc however life is never planned the way you want it to be, curveballs are thrown at you each and everyday and it's all up to you how you handle it. I have the feeling as time goes along the one's who may have mixed feelings may soon open the edition with arms wider than open.

Word's cant explain the joy I feel right now. I still don't know the sex of the baby and still praying thats its a boy, however if a babygirl is in there brewing I will still cry, but I will also cry tears of joy, as long as its healthy and funny like me I will be fine. I'm not sure if many of you care about this but I feel like I will be keeping a trimester update up until Aug 20. (Due Date) that way when he/she is a little older can read the blogs and see how much anticipation was built around their arrival.

P.S. I also have a few things I would like to add to the blog. Like maybe a movie/Album or song of the week, Just cooler things to keep the spice over here :-)

Thursday, February 12, 2009

God Take me NOW!!!

No your eyes are not deceiving you that is a big piece of tissue hanging from my nostril, if your as lazy as me then your probably getting tired of blowing your nose every 30 seconds and just put it there to temporarily stop the "Pain". I haven't been this sick in years and it really sucks, I like to think of myself as a somewhat invincible character, Wearing no hat, heading outside right after showers, going on my terrace with a wife beater and showing no signs of defeat until last night when I realized my super powers have been revoked because I'm feeling very mortal right now, actually less than mortal.

I think the whole experience of being sick is not as bad as everyone becoming a MD overnight giving you advice on what will make YOU feel better. So far I've gotten about 30 different combinations on what will cure me. I'm trying to take heed to all the advice but I have a feeling I'm soon going to explode on someone and then crawl back under my covers and cry.

I hope I can shake this cold/fever whatever the hell it is soon I would hate to be trapped inside this weekend and be stricken to the bed. I do know three things for sure whenever I regain my Immortal status that I will no longer be giving handshakes, I shall proceed to Lysol every object I encounter in my daily routine and shall wear a face mask similar to Micheal Jackson or carpenters, Next year Robitussin, thera flu or Dayquil will be receiving none of my funds.

Cupid doesn't lie, but you won't know unless you give him a try....

All my single Ladies, All my single Ladies.... I wonder how many ladies will be in the club singing this on Friday drunk off Long Island Ice teas , Secretly hating their lives because they have No valentine. Valentines day is approaching and you can usually tell who has a valentine and how pretty much doesn't. At work tomorrow take notice of the ladies walking around overly excited and of the ladies dragging their feet around because they know Saturday its going to be her, the notebook and a pint of chunky monkey :-(
Honestly I can't feel bad for a woman who
doesn't have a valentine, You had all year to get your ish together so that one handsome fella would take notice to your french manicure, wash/set even the new costume earring you purchased from h&m which brings out your dimples, NO, You chose to walk around with the holier than thou attitude, bash men, and keep the goodies under code red security so now you have to appreciate singles Awareness day by yourself. With that said me and my lady will be enjoy the pleasant cuisine of a one La Cheesecake Factoree, super fine dining and buffing up on our cultural touch with Friday the 13Th, WHY? because she did all of the necessary to be regarded as my valentine.

On the
flip side Valentines day is another sham to bash woman's insecurities and make us guys shell out more money and crap on stuff that most woman wont even look at come February 16. If you wait to valentines day to show love to your woman, she should leave you. [Insert cheesy line] Everyday should be like valentines day to your woman [Insert cheesy line]. So if your valentine less don't feel to bad its only one day and tomorrow every dogish thing that most men do will resume.So if your a side chick don't feel to bad Side chick day is February 15, so all that ladies that didn't get to be with that special someone on the 14th will have their chance. So with that said I hope everyone enjoys their Russel stovers candy and big brown teddy bear holding a heart saying I love you, Wait is it that predictable?

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Aww what the hell let me bite the bait....

As you know many of your friends have done the post 25 random things about yourself on "Spy-book" so I decided I would do one as well. I feel if you read my blog you should know me pretty well, hell I'm not sure if anyone even cares but I shall post anyway to see if anyone interest levels goes up.

1.My Name is Jordan Holmes, I was named Cristopher Jordan Holmes for a whole 2 mins before my mother swiped it and left it at Jordan.

2.I love my mother to death, I have her named tattooed on me, but we don't get along at ALL :-(

3. I'm an only child so I was extremely spoiled growing up.

4. My favorite place in the world is Harlem, NY the weather and air seems so much different there

5. I had dreams of being a NBA superstar but I stopped growing, discovered girls :-/

6. I think Lebron James / Jay-Z are the coolest dudes on earth.

7. I'm sarcastic as hell, I seriously can't go a day without giving a smart remark

8. I'm scared of horror movies I still cover my eyes or turn away when the scary music increases in the films.

9. I think Ralph Lauren clothes are greater than anything.

10. Stephon Marbury is the greatest player to ever come from new york.

11. I think staten Island shouldn't be included as a city in NYC. You have to pay a toll to get there or take a ferry :-/

12. I've never left the country before

13. I used to think I was adopted cause I was so much different from my cousins when I was growing up

14. I've only seen my father maybe 5 or 6 times

15. My cousin Michael is the coolest person I've ever met.

16. Eva Pigford could have made me her love slave and I wouldn't have said a word

17. Monkey Bear is the only girl I feel I could ever love, if it didn't work between us, I would be a pimp with a heart as cold as December.

18. I wish I was born in the 60's to be apart of the black panther movement

19. I sometimes feel like I was born too late, I feel like I would've been better fit for the 70's.

20. I am terrible at saving money

21. I listen to an unhealthy amount of music, watch a ton of older dvd's(Mainly Blaxploitation films)

22. I call my mac book baby and dust/wipe her daily

23. I have times when I go into hibernation where no one will hear or speak to me for a few days I don't know why I do it I just do.

24. I am very giving yet very selfish. Does that even make sense.

25. I think New york city is the best place on earth I could see myself living
anywhere else.

Theres definitely a ton more, But I'm not going to be sitting here typing a ton of things. Hopefully this gave you better insight to the person behind the cheesy videos and off the wall post.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009


Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Am I smoking wrong?

In wake of all the super bowl excitement, you can always find it in the good hearts of the rich folks at ABC/ESPN to take any oppurtunity to blow a story out of proportion. So as I'm waking up, I hear Micheal Phelps caught smoking from bong coming up next, to my dismay I was extremely disappointed, I quickly came to reality realizing that no matter how glorious and glorified an athelete is in their playing field they are still human, so you can expect to them make "mistakes". However with all the fame and fortune is that 30min to 2 hour high worth risking it all? Endersoments, Millions of fans, First class ass kissing all day to being nationally ridiculed on every radio station to even low budget public access stations.

In this day an age Marijuna seems to be the acceptable drug of teeny boppers, musicians, modern day hippies, corporate execs basically everyone. Now in elementary school we were forced to watch the ever popular D.A.R.E series and even saturday mornings while getting my fix of Cartoons, the commercial would show the this is your brain on drugs commercial, So with all that programming I deemed drugs as something I would never want to try. Fast forward to College, DRUGS are like second nature, it's like go to class, come back study and get high.

I remember my first time "puffin the magic dragon" like it was my first day of school outfit, this dominican kid who lived on my floor invited me to smoke a "L" so I was like why not, so we head to the back door of the building and he was like" you ever smoked haze before?" and I responded "I have virigin lungs my dude". So we smoked and I handled it pretty well , so after I closed the back door and walked back to my room it was all down hill from there. I started tripping out, seeing 8 walls, laughing, feeling sad, I ate about eight bags of peanut m&m's and tried to take a nap, the nap lasted all of 60 seconds, I then ran to the bathroom to wash my face figuring that might help, not at all. I figured let me try to enjoy this so I put on "high music", songs about to getting high which did nothing for me, so I came to the conclusion it was a wrap for me so I called monkey bear to get my will ready, I told her that she could have my car and to give all my clothes and jewelry to my little cousin, needless to say I survived but that experience might be THE WORST.

Now like any typical teen I tried it a few more times to see if I would like it, this time I waited until I was drunk and took two pulls but still its not for me. I know everybody responds differently to drugs and everything but honestly weed is definitely wack, I rather drink any day of the week before being "high".

I can't fanthom what the allure is to smoking weed but I came to the conclusion I might be smoking it wrong or maybe I'm different from a reggae artist, michael Phelps or any other person who loves the drug....

With that said I will stick to getting high off life and drinking my wavy juice.

Monday, February 2, 2009

I'm getting Married...

Disclaimer : No, I'm not getting married.

"Picture us Married, You and Me, K-I-S-S-I-N-G" -
Nasir Jones

So my daily mental ipod session occurred again this time the song was "Getting Married" by Nas. For some reason if I hear a song I go into a weird zone, where I start visualizing different scenarios and imagery of certain situations. I Imagined what my wedding would be like, like it would be some extravagant royal wedding(Ala Prince Akeem) or Something subtle and Secretive(see: Jay and B) But I quickly shook out of the thought because honestly the thought was quite scary.

In my earlier years during one of my late night Phone Conversations she asked me "Do I ever want to get married", I nearly hung up on her, the nerve and audacity of this girl to think that I would ever hang up my jersey and retire to the same female for the rest of my life. Looking back at that I smile and think that the inevitable is someday going to happen when I have to make "the final walk".

Ms Sampson was my English Lit teacher at school, and after I handed in a paper on an event that you're least looking forward to in the future, she asked me I would stay after class to speak with her, I instantly was like "Oh sh*t" what could I have done wrong, "Mr. Holmes, I love your assignment your imagery was very vivid and kept me on the edge of my seat the entire time, may god bless the woman who marries you(Loud Laugh)", I believed Ms. Sampson was making a pass at me, How could she not want me after reading my excellent piece of literature. The event I was least looking forward to was, well you know marriage.

The scene was immaculate at the Polo Mansion as Oha Sang "Queen to be",His vocals gracefully flowed through the speakers, pearly marble floors glistened as woman in star studded freak em' dresses and thin Stiletto heels graced the crowd, As each of my grooms men looked sharp as ever in coogi sweaters, Kangol Hats, Polo slacks and Clark's wallabies. The crowd was reminiscent of a Lakers game at the staples center in mid June, Star after Star even a Bulletproof Black Yukon was doubled parked in front which revealed None other than Mr. and Mrs Barack Obama, Diddy Winked at me and said " It's cheaper to keep her,Bad boy, Take that, Take that" which then began to give me moments of nervousness and have a flashback of my "Playing days", I flashed back to my first kiss or my boys and I at the Pizza shop spinning a pie to see who would land their dream girl one day, first case of blue balls and finally hitting the ball out the park. As My bride approached the alter and I pulled out the ring in which I found at the bottom of the titanic, my bride to be as beautiful as ever due to her Help from David Tutera and his "expertise", As she read her vows, Reverend Jesse Jackson asked me Do I do? Jordan do you take her?....... I then woke up and breathed a sigh of relief that this was all I dream, I then got scared that one day I won't be able to wake up and that this could be my fate....